Tainted

Alone.

I often wonder, where did they all go? Of all the knowledge I have been learning from tadika till now.

Their absence often kills me. Or, maybe they are not absent. I fail to make them present.

Don't go.. please.

Soul-less. It is frightening. You see someone, you feel no love towards them. No feeling at all. No positive, no negative. Yet most of the time, they occupy the most in your life. When you see your friends, you greet them with normal expectation, just like people always do. You fail to invite feelings of happiness, welcome, and love. Yet you don't hate them at all. It is just, the feeling inside you does not exist.

On the outside, you look normal. But inside, it is a void. Nothing. Perhaps darkness. The way you react with people and life is just an effort to respect normality of life. Refuse to really deal the life with your inside, afraid it might reveal something in you that you yourself might fail to face the fact bravely.

And things get worse when you know and learn more compared to others, and you still keep learning and knowing, but the passion you expect from doing it seems to fade away. You seem to be dedicating your life with knowledge and its constituents, because you know, when you know you will understand. But instead of becoming nearer to God, it feels like you are drifting away far from God.

Am I looking through the wrong lens?

Or I am missing something?

It is like something is blocking my soul from inviting awareness from what I have learned.

But what, is the thing that is blocking?

I'm hoping to find the answers.

I miss my old life. Everyday I breath love and warmth, akhlaq and respect and many other things.

Looks like I need to find it on my own right?

Win it back.

Thank to Syazwan for providing a bit enlightenment about this.

It helps a bit.

In the end, my soul is tainted.